My February moment, in honor of Valentine’s Day, is to renew, remember, or share some love with a person who helped you become who you are today. I sometimes ask groups to think about such a person, past or present, who had that sort of influence in their life. Then I ask, “Did they ever make you mad? Did they expect much of you? Did they care about you?” The answers are usually yes, yes, yes. Now, I’ll ask you about one of your chief influencers. Was that person in your life a critic, cheerleader, or coach? I suspect your answer is yes, yes, yes, depending on the situation.
It’s hard to see what we don’t know or haven’t really experienced. For example, while we might at the end of a course evaluate a teacher’s pedagogy or content, often their impact may not be felt or understood for years. We have all probably had that moment when we now understand much later a previous lesson taught to us by someone who truly cared about our wellbeing. It’s why we sometimes sound like our own parents when we have children because we now know what we learned was sound advice and needs to be taught again to the next generation.
We have those people in our lives who seem to know when to put their arm around us, when to offer a clear kick, or when to support us by showing us how to do something. They know what tool to use at the right time. For example, I mistakenly thought the best way to teach driver education to my 16-year-old was by talking louder and criticizing. What she needed was a coach. In baseball, five tool players are those who can do it all—- hit for power and average, throw hard, field well, and have great speed. They know how to use their tools and when to use them.
But whether the chief influencers and five tool players in our lives are laughing with us, yelling at us, or loving us—- they show up. It’s a friend who postpones a long-awaited vacation to be with you at a time of great loss. Or the person who calms you down by listening to your tale of mistreatment and saves you from adding to your woes by redirecting impulses of revenge. It’s also the person who after you’ve been slammed says honestly, diplomatically, and clearly that you may have gotten what you deserved. They help pick you up, shake off the dirt, and move forward.
This month’s valentine is a five-tool player who can criticize without impunity, cheer with genuineness, and coach with clarity. These three tools are encased with their other two—- authenticity and love. Let’s be clear—- five tool players are as rare in life as they are in baseball. If you are lucky, you may have a handful throughout your entire life. Even better is when you show up consistently with all five tools for others. We all have Willie Mays’s, Hank Aaron’s, and Derek Jeter’s in our lives disguised as normal people who perform at the top of the scale for what it means to be human.
Connect with them. Celebrate their gifts to you by recounting a time when they criticized, cheered, or coached you. Or when showed up as their true self and loved you. Create your own five tool award to send them with a bright red heart to commemorate Valentine’s Day. And with another season of baseball about to start, keep honing your five tools.