By Sara Fetherolf
A week after our wedding,in New Orleans, on our long way
to California, when the afternoon
turned thunderstorm (salt & river& old stone smell &
the dripping awnings we ran under),
we came upon the doorto the museum. I wanted to see
the Victorian death masks, hair lockets, embalmer’s tools,
obituary clippings. I imagineda museum of ordinary,
sentimental tchotchkes for marking loss.
I imagined shadowboxes fullof letters with laced black borders, penning in
the old grief. I wasn’t expecting
the serial killer memorabilia (a Gacyclown painting, the sagging prison panties
Aileen Wuornos wore), crime scene photographs,
car-crash snuff films, blood green-whitein the dusty filmstrip light.
I walked through the displays, viewing
a type of death I had somehow not seencoming, hearing your footfall
in the next exhibit room. I like the idea
there are many versions of us,spread through many universes, and dying
in one sends our consciousness rocketing back
to a universe where the death neverhappened, our still-living
variations drawing our dead
selves in like iron filingsto a magnet—meaning every near accident
or pollutant worrying the lungs, every bad fall, childhood
illness, &c.—it allsimply concentrates us, makes us more
ourselves than ever, the one who has survived
everything, flickeringagainst the dust. But I began to see
(walking the rows where I could lift
a black velvet curtain to lookat executions, botched surgeries, the Black Dahlia)
how one day I would rocket back
to somewhere you are not—more myselfthan ever, and you more
yourself elsewhere, a partition in between.
Last week we had fedeach other cake, which ahead of time
we had not quite agreed to do. I’d joked, then,
how one of us will have to feed the othersomeday, maybe, anyway, so might as well
practice in a gleaming still-young summer,
and I was angry, almost, that I had to worry nowabout your universe slipping off
from mine. Honestly, I was still angry about it,
that honeymoon afternoonin the museum of death,
where the murder photos glowed, rainlit
and old already, each of them holding someonewho, if I’m right, was still alive
in the universe where they are the one
who goes on forever. Maybe they wereeven then in New Orleans, in that
rainstorm, having their fortune
read or browsing these walls that wee missingtheir image. Before that day, I had
mostly felt, if not invincible, ready at least
to see what would happen next. And nowhere I wasn’t. And outside the rain
had stopped like a watch. And never again
would the streets shine in that precise way.
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